| Ain’t sayin’ nothin’ new |

Friend: Oh hi, Justin!
Friend: How’s your week going/how are you doing with things this week?

Me: Oh, I’m just reeling from learning how to work with Python and Django, nothing special, glad to have a rest.

Friend: Oh yeah, you’re doing that bootcamp thing right? I wanted to check in with you about how you’re doing/feeling about the state of things in the world.

OH. THAT.

I feel like I am compelled to get thoughts down on paper at least once a year (I can only stand to write about this so often, even though new offenses and incidents happen SO OFTEN) in response to the latest trending hashtag, representing a fallen African-American person. Whatever new injustice has gotten white people’s chinos wrinkled this week. However these Karens and Tommys get agitated about the affairs of the world and start posting things on social media non-stop. This is not an enjoyable exercise for me, but of course, seeing as I’ve been hiding my head in the sand, trying to improve my situation by learning too many things at once, I guess I have built up a response/opinion about things that needs to be expressed. Even at the risk of uncovering the harsh and unattractive truth that I am a black man who has coherent and important thoughts (THE AUDACITY!). Well, grasp your pearls, readers. It’s about to get real.

It’s no big secret that police interactions with people of color are generally strained. I speak for myself when I say that I really hate police officers. I know they’re not all the same, they’re not all bad, blah blah. When you’re part of an institution that uses death and killing as a way of keeping the peace, you have to know that you instill fear in the hearts of those whom you are persecuting. PERIOD. This is not something that is up for debate, it doesn’t matter how afraid you are of us. The main problem is that we all have this breathing addiction and are trying to keep the streak going. Your kind, are protecting and serving by using excessive and targeted violence. Again, I know this is not ALL the cops, but in the same breath, I don’t care. Just like the bad ones don’t want to take the time to always properly assess the situation at hand before doling out their special fucked up justice, I will not hold space for the conversation about why there are good vs. bad cops. The good cops are not stopping the bad ones from doing this, they’re not supporting their removals from these forces, they’re not trying to get these peers of theirs convicted, so lack of action makes you complicit in their actions in my eyes. I hate interacting with them, I get scared in their presence. I have even gone so far as to work to get myself removed from jury duties where a case involves a police officer, because I am heavily biased against them. How am I supposed to believe that I can be protected by a group of people who are so afraid of my existence that I have to have special rules to follow in order to deal with them.

I heard a thing about a lady that decided to use the cops as a weapon against a dude that was just trying to have her adhere to the rules of the park that she was walking her dog in. It’s SO FRUSTRATING when you’re minding your own business, breaking rules that wont’ affect anyone and someone tries to stop you from doing things the way you want to. I wouldn’t have any idea what it feels like, but I imagine that for that white woman it was like a slap in the face. To imagine the boldness required to tell her to follow the rules that are plainly posted on a sign in front of her own ignoring face! This was apparently enough to rile her up into a state that required her using a threat of calling the cops to get someone to leave her alone. Not that the dude was actually doing anything aggressively. He wasn’t in her face threatening her, he wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t even really invading her space. She basically has tried (the new and appalling trend) of weaponizing the police force. All it takes is one well-dressed or well-spoken endorsement from a white person to create all the suspicion needed to bring the justice, guns-a-blazing. What a gross power to have. To be able to cry wolf and cause so much problems for another human being. It’s just deplorable. However, I always hear about barbecue becky, or that karen that just wants to have her side heard. They’re not bad people, they just want what they want and how they want it.

My new favorite annoyance is white people who are wanting to be allies, posting about how much black lives matter and how disgusting some of these actions are. Now, I know for a fact that many of these are good well-meaning people who really do not like what they’re seeing. I can agree with that, it’s demeaning and frustrating at the very least. However, I just can’t seem to stomach it right now. It has nothing to do with whether you’re a racist or not. I think that the bigger issue in my eyes is that people are saying things from a place of privilege that comes across to me as very trendy. Again, I apologize if you’re one of those people who are generally trying to express your disappointment at what’s happening, but seeing as you are benefitting/have benefitted directly or indirectly from the system that allows this kind of hatred and reckless disregard for lives, situations, and humanity to flourish, I don’t want to hear you talking about this. What I would love to hear is how you’re calling out your friends when they say something flippant and ignorant. I would love to hear about how you’re raising your kids to play with children of all colors. I would love to hear about how you’re voting against people in power who are pushing agendas that spread hate at all levels of government. Pass a few laws that increase the focus on the human condition, no matter what the background is.

The real upsetting thing is that whomever’s death happens to be the flavor of the week, it turns into just that. Just when the “decent” people have gotten used to the idea that these things happen, it’s back to normal for them. Even worse than that, it is probably just right in time for a new injustice to surface. I’m sure that there are many officers or leaders that are cursing the invention of mobile phone sized cameras. African-Americans used to have hope in the fact that there were easy ways to document the injustices that are forced upon us, but of course, many multiple videos of examples of this inhumane treatment have been met with a disgustingly ambivalent response. So you chanting from the tops of your friends pages that black lives matter is kind of like a slap across the face. ESPECIALLY if we happen to be one of the 2 or 3 tops black folk that you have in a friend circle and we have to read this business from you every-so-often. Nothing about these incidents are new, black people have been dying at the hands of white folk in this country since we couldn’t be controlled and domineered as your slaves or indentured servants. It’s kinda like crowd control though right? Don’t let those guys get ahead of themselves, they still remain the lowest of the low and need to be reminded of that when they can be.

People are upset about rioting and about looting/violence/etc. I don’t know what kind of response we’re allowed to have in the face of grave injustice that lets you know how little worth you have in society. We get in trouble for complying. When people kneel or protest, it’s annoying, it’s happening out of being too sensitive about things. this drives people to anger of course. Since we’re being shown no regard when we try to do things the right way, we lose the desire to play by the rules. There is deep hurt and anger that will be expressed however people feel like they can do that. It would be great if we had someplace to call, or some group that would help us to feel protected and would guarantee us some semblance of the feeling of security. Unfortunately for us, that’s not the case. I can’t pick up the phone and call any police officer for help, for fear that I might be the one that ends up paying the price somewhere down the line, for engaging with the enemy.

My long-winded response to the question of how I’m doing is that I’m broken. I’m broken inside, in my heart, because I can’t really handle what these repeated messages mean for me. I am expected to pay taxes and be a contributing member of a society that wants me mostly dead or in some kind of suffering, because I’m taking the space of someone who really deserves to be here. Obviously, that’s an exaggeration, but the feeling is the same. I have this restless worry about what will become of people who try to live good lives and want to just exist without problems. I feel numbed to the fact that a new name will be running across my varying number of screens. Feels like there will never be rest and ease from the pain of having to watch another video full of evidence of the hatred that boils towards me for no reason other than being alive. It is really deflating to try to do the things with the same freedom that my neighbors enjoy, that I cannot quite fully grasp or enjoy for myself. I hate that I get to live in a country that is like this and is flaring up in hatred over the last almost four years. I don’t want to talk about it with you. I don’t want to help you explore ways that you can help the cause. You should be able to see it for yourself. It’s all over the place and it’s upsetting to be asked about how it feels to be me. I used to appreciate the check-ins, but they’re slowly becoming just as annoying to me as the events that are causing them. It just serves to remind me that I am an outsider in some circles and in a lot of ways, the only connection that some people have to real life things and that’s enough to depress anyone.