Avoidant attachment style.
This is what my sister mentioned to me a week or so ago. Thought that I had an avoidant attachment style and that made me much different than her. Of course, not the first time I’d heard this, but of course, for some reason this pushed me to look harder at what this meant. Apparently, people who have avoidant attachment styles are walled up emotionally and have grown with the idea that they have to self persevere.
I’d have to agree. I was conditioned at a pretty young age to keep myself to myself. There were people around me who needed me more than I needed to be taken care of, so I had to focus on that. Also, throughout schooling, I realized that trusting people leads you to getting screwed by the same people. Essentially, this has definitely led me to subscribe to the idea that no one has interest in my best care and that I have to lean upon myself to get anything done in life. This is why I very rarely ask for help, it’s why I very rarely accept help when it is given to me. It is also a reason why I make so many one-sided friendships.
But, Justin (you ask) What do you mean by one-sided friendships (also, didn’t school teach you that you shouldn’t start sentences with words like But?)
First of all, this is my blog and I can use whatever language conventions I would like. You aren’t granting English degrees are you? Just relax and read on.
I’ve tried to be a little better about this in more recent years, but my friendship style in general, is to check in on folks and to try to be there for them. When it comes to trying to have that happen from their end to mine, I generally shun people trying to do a lot of prying. As a result of this, I have gotten the idea that this is where I am most useful to folk and that this is a reason that they will keep me around. Otherwise, they’ll see through the fact that I give up less than what they are willing to offer. I will kindly deflect when people want to know about how I am doing, and keep the focus on them. Which seems to be a double edged sword
I seem to have developed a very healthy aversion to hearing about people suffering, especially my friends. However, I am always of the mindset that you should help someone out if you can. If you ask for my opinion, I will give it to you (also, I have the joy of being regularly blunt, so not always very good at being gentle about things). The fun thing is that you never even realize how easily you can slip from listening mode to advising mode, even when you are not asked. If a pattern emerges, or some problem that a friend is going through resonates with you, you try to tell them about it. Lately, I have been hell bent on trying to protect people if they’re coming with problems, but I feel like my time is wasted when people hear something reasonable and choose to continue to suffer or give themselves to a state of grief. I know I am not anyone’s parent (frankly, I don’t have the patience to be, if I could).
So, recently, I’ve had two such interactions with good friends, where I have had to basically say that I can’t be in your presence, if you’re going to make certain decisions, because I just don’t want to hear about how you’re having a specific issue, if you’re not going to do anything about it. Which I guess continues in the trend of making me a terrible friend. It’s not about me in particular, being listened to, but more about the idea that I try to speak truth to people and it falls on deaf ears, I’m not sure if it’s because people aren’t in a place where they want to hear it, or if it just isn’t what needs to be said/heard. I am beginning to be sure that my place is to be quiet. People have their journeys and though I felt like truth is helpful along the way, a lot of times I need to respect that it is their journeys that don’t involve me.
A side consequence of my one-sidedness is that I feel like I am ready, at a moment’s notice, to separate myself from those who stress me or do not serve me any longer. As I type that, it sounds quite selfish. I guess all this time has turned me into a selfish person. There’s no reason to chase people or things that will end up screwing me over or letting me down. Currently, I am grappling with the idea of starting over, or just staying alone. I am sure that can make new friends in my older age, but would it be worth my time to just end up in a cycle again where I feel like I’d need to be willing to re-start. On the other hand, humans are communal beings, so being in community is the natural move and that seems correct. I have this idea that I might be destined to end up living a solitary life and chilling, especially if I don’t get my act together and give folk a chance.
What to do… What to do… Fight the avoidance, or avoid the fight?
Vernacular Dysfunction 